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August 10th, 2011

11:40 am
We are having a lazy day today. It's the first time for weeks that I haven't got showered and dressed before 8. I'm still not dressed but it's raining and my only plan for today is to make macaroni cheese, yum.

Rhodri is 9 months now. The last 3 months have flown; every week he does something new. This week he is pulling up on the sofas/buggy/coffee table/any old random thing he thinks he can use. He claps his hands if you sing "If you're happy and you know it". He has one bottom tooth. A top one came through yesterday but today it has vanished! I know it was there yesterday morning though. Apparently they can retract before coming properly, weird.

He is a very happy and sociable baby. We get lots of attention out shopping as he grins and jabbers at people from the shopping trolley. It's a whole new world for me - I'm very antisocial in supermarkets generally. I just switch off and meander round in my own little world. Now we always end up talking to a few people, especially older people, and I have surprised myself that I enjoy and look forward to it.

We usually see someone every day although it's changed a bit now that the music and movement groups have broken up for summer, and my friends with similar aged babies have started to go back to work. There are a few of us from work who got pregnant at the same time including my immediate colleague. We've gone through the whole thing together and it's nice that that will carry on even back at work. It's been a great source of support. The internet is fine but sometimes it's good to have people around in the same boat.

I'm going back to work in about 6 weeks. I think I'll be ready and Rhodri will love nursery. He loves other children and he will be able to roam and play safely. He can occupy himself for ages - he often would rather sit and fiddle with a pram wheel than play with me. You know when a cat sits staring at a blank wall and you wonder what goes on in their mind? It's a bit like that, I wonder how it can keep him occupied for so long. But it's all ticking away I suppose and he's exploring different textures and shapes. I have found it fascinating, particularly from about 6 months. But I don't feel equipped to entertain him for ever and he will need different types of stimulation which he will get at nursery. I'm only in 4 days so will have him to myself every Friday which will be lovely.

Trying to add a picture, may or may not work...

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March 5th, 2011

10:03 am - book week
A nod to book week which has unfortunately passed me by:

The book I am reading: A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. Not really reading, more, started in pregnancy and haven't read a book since R was born. One day....

The book I love most: Captain Slaughterboard Drops Anchor by Mervyn Peake. Was my favourite childhood book and still love it now. If you haven't read it do give it a try; it's wonderful and the pictures amazing.

The last book I received as a gift: Madhur Jaffrey easy curry book. Yum.

The last book I gave as a gift: An encylopaedia of animals.

The nearest book: A pop up Owl and the Pussycat.

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February 14th, 2011

10:57 am
I love being a mum and I love maternity leave almost as much. I wish I didn't have to go back to work. I'd still put him into nursery a couple of days but I can't imagine not having most days with him to pootle about. I've started doing the lottery, it's the only thing I can think of. If I could just afford a nicer house and a car and to work part time in a not very well paid job that I like... That'd do me.

Oh god I hate David Cameron.

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December 6th, 2010

11:43 am - One month old already, how?
We have introduced a dummy. I'm still a bit unsure but it has improved quality of life, sleep and rest for all 3 of us. Trying to only use it when he is settling for sleep and not when he's awake or in the car or buggy as he will sleep without one then.

I am having problems getting back to sleep after feeding as Aled's snoring is driving me insane. From when I first met him he only ever snored on his back which was fine as I would wake up and push him over. Then this June he got a cold and has snored in any position ever since. I am almost crying with frustration some nights as the pressure of trying to get some sleep before R stirs means I am wound up and not relaxed. I think it feels worse at the time than it actually is but the more it goes on the more tense I am at bedtime.

I am going out today with the buggy for the first time on my own. Only to the doctor's but I am a bit apprehensive and also very excited - getting my independence back bit by bit. I've been out on my own (just to the shops and it was exhilarating) but not with R. Afterwards we are going to Ikea with my mum. I'm so happy to be physically able to do things like that again. I still get tired and a little achey but at least I can do it. I almost feel like a member of the real world again.

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November 22nd, 2010

05:05 pm - getting used to it...
Wow having a baby is.... well, everything. Can't imagine how many emotions we've been through in the last 2 and a half weeks.

Unfortunately A has had to go back to work just as we are getting used to it and I am able to get out and about more.

The day he was born was grim - we got to the hospital at 8am and into hospital gown and stockings at 9. I was asked if I had a problem with having a blood transfusion as I was at high risk, and was I feeling anxious...?

Because of the transfusion risk we had to wait for a senior consultant and so didn't go to theatre til 5. It was a grim experience BUT I didn't need a transfusion thank god. I got a really bad headache that made me wail and they gave me some drugs that stopped me from swallowing and I was thinking that they would soon give me my baby and I wasn't ready, I felt like shit. But then we could hear him crying and after a bit they brought him over and we saw him and loved him immediately. Aled thought he only had one eye until he opened the other one - he had broken baby paranoia.

I was out of hospital in 48 hours, everything was going ok. We had a couple of euphoric days at home but breastfeeding was getting harder and harder and I was more and more miserable and eventually I woke up with a temperature and pain in my body and the doctor confirmed mastitis. The antibiotics made me physically better but I had felt like I was going mad and my relationships with Rhodri and A were going wrong. I didn't want R to wake up, I stopped being as interested in him and felt stressed at the thought of him/him feeding. Not just the pain and cracked and bleeding nipples but the relentlessness of it all. A and I argued and I tried to tell him how I was feeling and he couldn't cope and didn't know what to do and felt cross with me and upset. The doctor was very wise and asked me if my issues with the baby were entirely related to BFing and they were and that made me feel better.

So we got some formula and slowly but surely my milk supply has dwindled and I think we'll end up exclusively on it. But I am so much happier and my interest in Rhodri has come back and I love spending time with him again and Aled and I are back on form. I don't know where the days go but I am not completely tied to the sofa or bed now he is not exclusively BFing. He feeds a LOT. He was only 6lb at a week early but I think he will be big - the men in my and A's family are all 6ft at least.

We've also been out a few times now - Morrisons (whoop), the German market in town, a walk in the park - it was foggy and very atmospheric. I've spent today in my pyjamas though, first day without a visitor I think. We've restricted them to one a day and my mum has popped in most days and is coming for the day tomorrow and will take us out, hurray. I'm not quite ready (mentally or physically) to attempt going out and about on my own on the buses.

I just wish I got more sleep. I was planning on sleeping this afternoon - he ALWAYS sleeps in the afternoon but we usually have something going on. Typical - today he has been awake all afternoon.

I am trying to trust my instincts and gut but there is so so so much information out there that it is hard to wade through everything that I've consumed to find what I am really feeling. I'm trying to stay away from any feeding/sleeping advice (eg on mumsnet) as it's making my head spin and making me feel guilty about what I should or shouldn't be doing.

I'm going to try and upload a picture.

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November 3rd, 2010

04:14 pm - tomorrow
So tomorrow I go to hospital at 8am and have a baby. It's so weird knowing when he's coming and despite my initial disappointment (guilt?) at not being able to have a natural birth, I am now feeling quite relieved that I don't have to push a baby out of my fanny after hours of pain and hard work. I'm not afraid of either but it turns out I am quite afraid of childbirth.

I'm quite anxious about the operation and recovery but really I have it good, I know a lot of women who had labour and then an emergency cs so this can only be better than that.

I'm very excited to meet the baby and see his face and his real arms and legs and change his nappy and feed him and watch him grow. It's amazing.

Pizza for tea.

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October 4th, 2010

01:02 pm - me, it's all about me
Were you named after anyone?

No. My parents specifically tried not to name us after anyone in the family as there had been a tendency to do that in previous generations.

When was the last time you cried and why?

This morning when the bus didn't see me waving. I'm a sorry, sorry state of affairs at the moment.

You like your handwriting?

I do and it is nicer with certain pens.

What is your favourite lunch meat?

Lunch meat? Like ham? Ham.

Do you have kids?

I will in 5 weeks!

If you were another person would you be friends with you?

Oh god that's scary. I think I'd like me but I might get a bit bored of me. My friends bring out the best in me; maybe I wouldn't??

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not towards people, although I like teasing banter.

Do you still have your tonsils?


Would you bungee jump?

No. Way.

What is your favourite cereal?

Weetabix but I get the occasional craving for Frosties.

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

If they are not loose enough to slip off with my feet.

Do you think you are strong?

Physically no. Mentally - my first reaction is to say no but actually based on past experience I'm stronger than I think I am.

What is your favourite ice cream?

Vanilla next to hot sticky toffee pudding.

What is the first thing you notice about people?

I have no idea. I've tried thinking about it but I'm just not sure.

Red or pink?


What is the least favourite thing about yourself?

It varies. At the moment I know I am being moany and I wish I could snap out of it but it's easier said than done sometimes especially when you're tired....moan moan. I'm not a serial moaner though, only when I'm feeling down/sorry for myself.

Who do you miss the most?

My dad. He died 6 years ago. He was robbed.

What colour pants and shoes are you wearing?

Pink and grey striped pants, black trainers. Oh does this mean trousers? Black.

What was the last thing you ate?

Some 'Christmas' nuts. Already!

What are you listening to right now?

Birds outside and the computer humming.

If you where a crayon, what colour would you be?


Favorite smells?

I often wish you could record smells. A garden on the route to the bus stop smelled beautiful all summer and I would stop and take it in every night. So that, and food cooking smells involving garlic and tomatoes and spices.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

Aled. I moaned about my ailments and we decided to have omelette for tea.

Favourite sports to watch?

Rugby League

Hair colour?


Eye colour?


Do you wear contacts?


Favourite food?

So much to choose from but right now stuffed jalapeno peppers from Viva Cuba. I could eat them all day.

Scary movies or happy endings?

A bit of both. I am obsessed with studio ghibli at the moment. You get a bit of both with them (I am easily scared).

Last movie you watched?

The Cat Returns

What colour shirt are you wearing?


Summer or winter?

Summer please, for the light.

Hugs or kisses?

Both, all the time.

Favourite dessert?

Sticky toffee pudding. No dates/raisins/currants whatever. Plenty of sauce. MMmmmmmmmmmmm.

What book are you reading now?

One of the True Blood ones. They have very similar names but it's about number 6 I think.

What is on your mouse pad?

The Sock Shop. How bizarre, I've no idea where that came from. I've never really noticed.

What did you watch on TV last night?

Dinner Date.

Favourite sound?

Our friend's daughter laughing (age 2) when Aled plays with her. It makes me feel happy seeing him have that effect on kids; I know I will love to watch him with our own.

Rolling stones or Beatles?

Beatles for singing along, Stones for turning up loud.

What is the furthest you have been from home?


Do you have a special talent?

I am very good at head scratches.

Where were you born?


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August 12th, 2010

10:20 am - 27 weeks
I think I am starting the third trimester now. If the baby comes he has a good chance of survival which is nice to know.

I have been referred with suspected SPD. It started about a week ago, just after I had been saying to some old friends that everything seemed to be going swimmingly. I have a lot of pain sleeping on my side but we bought another mattress topper so the last two nights have been *almost* comfy. I'm not starting the day in quite so much pain and I have better sleep. It's been so distressing not being able to lie down comfortably.

The groin/pelvic pain is, well, a pain. It's quite stiff and uncomfortable and is worse by the time I've walked up from the bus stop. I have to walk so slowly and then during the day I have the odd nasty twinge of pain. I'm avoiding stairs and fast movements, sitting down to put on trousers, trying not to stand or sit for too long. It's hard to balance getting a bit of movement going with finding walking difficult. I feel so much sympathy for people who start to lose their mobility for whatever reason, this must be what it's like and it's really frustrating.

Anyway *apart* from this, things do seem to be going ok. I've got a growth scan next week to check that my beta blockers haven't stunted growth. I feel ok about it as the risk is very small and the baby seems huge and the MW was happy at last appointment. I keep having anxiety attacks about twice a day. I don't know what they are about but breathing exercises help it seems to go away. But of course if the baby isn't growing properly I will do without the bbs.

The wedding is a week on Saturday. Oh my god. I couldn't find a white dress I liked and I'm not very traditional anyway so I have a lovely sage dress from topshop. It is simple and beautiful. I'm not sure what some of A's family will make of it. They can be quite....what's the word....maybe "naive". They will be surprised and think I'm weird but they won't hold it against me. Whereas my family are more used to breaks in tradition. In fact my granny will be delighted as she got married in a green dress and while i think of it my mum got married in a pink 70s pinafore.

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June 30th, 2010

01:36 pm - boy oh boy
It's a boy. Very clearly. She said the only way it would be a girl would be if she had a rare condition that causes huge swelling. He was very cooperative and moved around to where he was needed.

We were a tiny bit sad at first for it not being a girl. But we realised that had it been a girl we would have felt sadness for not having a boy. We really didn't care and I am just so so happy and relieved that everything is intact and developing as it should be. I have a low-lying placenta but it may sort itself out and they'll scan me later on to check it.

Now to think of names - aaarggghhh. There will be no repeat NO football associations. We might go Welsh but nothing I can't pronounce please.

We went to see Stevie Wonder last night - the baby's first gig and what a way to begin. It was brilliant; he is faultless. Except for I just called to say I love you - but even that worked out ok as I needed the toilet by then.

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June 21st, 2010

04:06 pm - time
I can't believe how quickly the time is passing. I am 20 weeks on Wednesday, I thought I'd never get here. It's brilliant, I am suiting being pregnant at the moment although I yearn to get pissed in sunny pub gardens. Something has gone wrong with my foot, the doc reckons due to the relaxing of ligaments when you're pregnant. It's alright when I don't stand on it but getting to work is a bit of a trauma.

As I get happier part of me gets sadder too that my dad didn't live to meet either A or his grandchild, both of whom he would have adored. A suggested us playing some music of my dad's as I walk down the (pub) aisle. It is a lovely idea, he and his friends all used to record themselves playing guitar and singing and I know there's a lot of stuff out there. I'll definitely be able to find something folky or bluesy that'll fit. I don't want anything with my step-mum on though as she has proved herself to be a treacherous witch since he died.

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